I know I'm probably not going to like re-reading this because I don't like to feel emotions, but... I have to say this.
Honestly, I'm really glad about everything I drew I drew, even if I butchered the characters intentionally due to my... quirks (for lack of a better word), and yet... even though I couldn't feel it, I loved every moment of it.
Ever since I got banned from Art Fight over said quirks, it felt like a part of me just died. Art Fight was an important part of my life because I got to draw all sorts of these characters, even if I drew them without said quirks. I also met a lot of people and saw a good chunk of art styles I enjoyed looking at. I knew most people weren't a big fan of my own character design quirks, and yet the drawing of others' characters was the only thing that matters. I use Art Fight as an excuse to practice drawing normally.
It was a really good way to look at various characters and it even had an amazing way of browsing/searching for them in a way that didn't cause mental damage in some way. At least, I didn't have to deal with feed-based social media (and the hundreds of things that aren't art in the media tabs), websites that cater to specific fandoms, people only using certain social media that isn't catered to art, broken search algorithms, impossible to browse stuff due to forced logins and not wanting to give up information to tech billionaires, people uploading art in short smartphone-resolution video form (cough TikTok cough) or DeviantArt. And as much as I want to throw Art Fight under a bus again over the fact that I can't browse this stuff anymore due to said ban... I won't. I just have to wait another year and hope.
Honestly, I loved drawing normally without my quirks, even if I didn't feel it. And I loved other peoples' art and designs (with or without said quirks applied), their backstories, their stories, and their interactions, but due to my constant impatience, it felt like people moved on to new/popular things. Even though some of them actually did, but... I just couldn't let go of the past. I loved all the old stuff they all made, but... I couldn't like the new stuff or the recently popular stuff or even all the trends I don't like due to mental problems (thanks a lot, autism and ADHD), but I still loved drawing the old characters and obscure fanart. I'm terribly sorry to everyone I alienated, either due to my art or my constant ranting/venting. I couldn't like what everyone else liked, but at least I had some happiness in my life.
Right now? I'm currently art blocked again due to said ban and the constant (doom-)scrolling on my phone and all the distractions that exist, yet I really want to draw new OCs and fanart from stuff I liked. Now if only I had the desire to do so...
Even though I don't like feeling emotions from other people saying similar stuff to me (great hypocrisy there, me), yet I just want to say... thanks. To all the people I drew art for, to all the people I commissioned stuff to, to all the people on Art Fight who drew stuff for me, to all my... "friends" because it doesn't feel that way, and to everyone who had to tolerate my own bullshit these past couple decades and change.
I'm truly sorry for forcing my desires onto everyone, and I'm really sorry everyone had to see my art in this way. Yet, as I keep mentioning, I liked drawing it, but the ban and the constant distractions means it's all severely reduced. I would like to redraw my old stuff and make new things, including the redesigns I keep promising, but... the websites, the game shows I keep watching, Final Fantasy XIV, and me being away from my computer when I get ideas all keep me from doing so.
And... I know this is getting old, but I would like to apologize on my attitude since... well, the beginning of my internet career. The only problem here is... now what? Lie in a bed and wait for what feels like an eternity for change? Attempt to do something but the medicine won't let me? Do a bunch of things I can't enjoy doing not because of me not being able to do it, but because everyone else is yet it's full of extreme sensory abuse? Something else?
...I don't know.
But despite it all, thank you all. For making me feel some slight happiness in my life. And I'm truly, truly sorry. For everything.
Ropender
this is something you should say to the artfight administrators and the artfight community directly, try getting in contact with a moderator or the owner of artfight themselves and apologize to them, but before you do:
You must understand to keep your quirks to yourself if it may harm others/make them uncomfortable, while for venting it's recommended you vent to a trusted friend, relative or book a therapist. Venting online will lead to so many trolls and result in harming you more than you already are, taking a bigger toll on you.
Cheer up and contact a mod/the owner, if your apology is declined it ain't the end of the world, you can still make art and upload it on newgrounds.
Yumetaro92
Thanks. I sent a ban appeal, but as mentioned in the other apology, it got rejected and I have to wait another year before I can send another one. I would send a message to the people you mentioned, but I'm afraid it might make the situation worse.
I honestly don't know how else to vent. I mean, I'm afraid that my friends might not appreciate me sending a lot of text at once, but then again I don't like talking to others, friends or randoms, due to super anxiety and how people might cut off all contact even if I say anything to them
basically, I'm scared of talking to others.
As for a therapist... I can't due to money problems and the last time I did, it was very awkward. I'll try to find one (or visit the previous one) soon when I get more money.
The last time I uploaded art here, people criticized me over my quirks, but... as you said, it isn't the end of the world, even if I get negative comments. But I'm second-guessing myself over uploading stuff if no one wants to see it.